Sunday, January 22, 2006

When God Doesn't Show Up

As I've always understood it, the whole point of Christianity is to be saved; that's everything. And the way to be saved, according to all the Christian books I've read and tv shows I've watched, is to ask Jesus into your heart and accept Him as your lord and saviour. But what if you do that and Jesus doesn't show up?

That happened to me when I was a teenager. Back then I had total faith in God and the Bible. If the Bible said it, I believed it. I wanted to be right with God. I had heard at church that all you had to do to be saved was say the sinner's prayer, believe it with all your heart and--presto!--you were "in" with God. So I did that when I was about 15, and nothing happened. I experienced none of the peace, love, joy, or presence of God that was in all the conversion stories I'd heard. I was convinced I'd done something wrong so, a short time later, I asked Jesus into my heart again, and again nothing happened. I felt nothing from God, and no one has ever been able to tell me why. Looking back, I feel that was the beginning of my divine discontent.

Trying to figure out why God ignored me, why He didn't show up, has been very depressing. It's affected my whole spiritual life. My faith has been all but destroyed. How can I have faith when I prayed the most vital prayer you can pray, trusting God totally, and He was a no-show? I don't trust God now; I can't. I'd like to; I've struggled to. I've prayed to God many, many times since that Big Let Down so many years ago and I can count on one hand, with fingers left over, the number of times I believe He answered me. The Bible says that without faith you can't please God, but I know from bitter personal experience that you can't please Him with faith, either.

Please understand. I'm not complaining about God not giving me a car or something trivial like that. I'm talking about my eternal destiny. Over and over again the Bible promises that if you ask God for anything with faith, He'll answer you. I was acting on that promise when I asked Jesus to save me and all I got was cold silence. Some might say that I'm putting too much weight on the conversion experiences of others and that just because a lot of people have an actual spiritual experience when they give their lives to Christ that doesn't mean everyone will. True. But if you feel no differently after saying the sinner's prayer, if you have no experience of any kind, how do you know you're saved? Surely, Christ coming into your heart should make you feel something!

But that's where real faith comes into play, some will say. Faith is not feeling. Faith is believing God's promises whether or not you feel anything or see any evidence for them. I once heard it described as being similar to getting on an elevator. When you get on an elevator, you know that you'll get to the floor you want simply by pushing a button, regardless of how you feel. Your feelings don't make the elevator go up or down, pushing the button does. Likewise, feelings don't get your prayers answered, faith does.

Ok, so faith isn't a feeling. Why then does Christian tv only show the emotional stories of salvation? I mean, did you ever hear someone on the 700 Club or TBN say, "Yes, I prayed the sinner's prayer and I feel just as empty as did I before, but I know I'm saved." NO! The testimonies you hear are always full of emotion, with people crying and going on and on about how Jesus delivered them from this or that sin, or healed them, or brought them prosperity, etc. So excuse me for thinking that asking Jesus into my heart meant He'd actually show up.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get testy, it's just that this really bothers me. If my prayer to be saved was rejected then that means I'm going to hell, according to Christian doctrine. And I don't have the faith to ask God again; His silence has seen to that. So I need some real help to figure this out. I'm willing to listen to what anyone has to say.

1 comment:

Granddaddy said...

I do not know when you posted your story, but I could have written it myself. I am much puzzeled by the circumstances you speak of. I see there are no comments posted. Have you managed to "make contact?"