Saturday, December 17, 2005

Another Little Miracle

Hi everyone! I know it's been a long time since my last post. My dsl is down at home due to lack of money, so I haven't been able to do anything on my computer except play games. I'm writing this post from my second home, the public library. Hopefully, my next post will be from my own computer.

As I said, my dsl is down because I haven't been able to make a payment for this month. However, I did get a little financial miracle today. I found $20!!!! It was just lying there in the parking lot at Albertson's. I noticed it as I pulled in. I thought it was probably only a dollar, but I got of the car to get it anyway and when I picked it up it was a twenty!!!! It was dirty, so it probably had been blowing around for some time. I immediately thanked Jesus for sending me the $20. I've been praying for some financial help and it came in a way I definitely didn't expect. Of course, I still need a lot more money, but that $20 made me feel like God cares enough about me to hear my prayers. I'm taking this as a good sign and I'm going to use this as a starting point to try to trust God more. I hope I won't let God down.

Merry Christmas everyone!


My new boss had a killer Christmas party at her house last night. I may be getting some Christmas spirit after all!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Merry...Winter Solstice?

Well, Christmas is practically here, and I don't have any Christmas spirit. I don't mean to sound like a Scrooge, but Christmas is almost just another day to me, and not just because this will be the first Christmas without Daddy. I haven't had any Christmas spirit for years, and I think I know why. I don't feel any connection with the religious aspect of the holiday. Yes, I know that Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of Christ's birth, but that never had much significance for me.

When I was a child, Christmas was anticipated because of the presents. Santa Claus, not Christ, was the "reason for the season". My family was nominally Christian and we sang all the religious carols, but Jesus never figured prominently in our celebration of the holiday. A nativity scene was never part of our Christmas decorations. If Christmas fell on a Sunday, we didn't go to church. I'm not saying that the holiday was meaningless for my family, or that the meaning was only materialistic. I'm just saying that the religious importance of Christmas wasn't emphasized.
For my family, Christmas was for the kids and when the kids grew up, Christmas "grew down".

Now that I'm grown I have a hard time taking Christmas seriously as a religious holiday. I strongly oppose the efforts by secularists to erase Christmas from our culture, whether in the name of "diversity", separation of church and state, or what have you. But I oppose them because they're trying to commit historical genocide by wiping Christians out of America's history as thoroughly as racists wiped out Blacks. I don't oppose them because I'm personally committed to Christianity.

Would this time of year be easier for me if I was a committed Christian? No, because then I'd have to deal with the consistency problem. In fact, I'm dealing with it even without being a Christian. And just what is the consistency problem? It's the problem of why an originally pagan holiday like Halloween is rejected by many conservative Christians, but equally pagan-in-origin Christmas isn't. That's right, Christmas is pagan! It was a celebration during the winter solstice meant to ensure the return of the sun. Every Christmas tradition, from the carolling, to the gift-giving, to the very date itself, was practiced by pagans in the worship of their false gods. If a Viking, a Druid, or an ancient Roman were to come back from the dead during Christmas, he would instantly recognize the holiday. Yet tv preachers like Pat Robertson happily immerse themselves in Christmas while sanctimoniously disapproving of Halloween.

This inconsistency really, really bothers me! I expect more from people who claim to take God and His Word seriously. If God said His people are not to be "unequally yoked" with darkness, are not to learn the way of the heathen, are not to worship Him the way the goyim worship their idols, didn't He mean it? Isn't syncretism, the mixing of false with true religion, supposed to be anathema to Christians? But Christmas is different, some will say. Halloween is about occultism and Satanism; Christmas is about the birth of Christ. No it's not. Christmas is about the rebirth of the sun, period. It is totally, 100% pagan. Just like Halloween. So if Christians reject one, they have to reject the other; accept one, accept the other. If the Roman Saturnalia, the Viking yule log, and the Druid evergreen tree can be Christianized, then so can the carving of faces into pumpkins.

It's time Christians took a long, hard look at themselves to see just how much they're really following Christ. Jesus told the Pharisees that they had made God's Word null and void by their tradition. Are His followers doing the same thing today? I fear they are. And that's why I don't have any Christmas spirit.

Merry Winter Solstice.

Friday, December 09, 2005


I got it! I really got it! My first check from my new job! It's only $57.86, but it's the most beautiful $57.86 I've ever seen! Now I can buy some food, gas, and a few other things and not have to fear going without for a few days. This won't put a dent in the bills that I owe, but it's a start. It's a teeny, tiny miracle. Sometimes, God is good.

A Prayer Request

I have a prayer request. Don't worry, it doesn't involve asking for money, at least not directly.
You see, I crochet and I've had several crocheted bears and baby afghans in my friend's antique and craft store for about three months. I started making the bears and afghans to earn some extra money, but I've only sold one bear and no blankets. Money is very tight for me right now and I need all I can get. I've prayed ever since I put my items out that they would sell, but God doesn't seem interested in answering me. So I'm asking any committed believers who stop by my blog to please pray for my items to sell. I'm not trying to take away sales from other people who also have things in the store, I'm just trying to make an honest living. I hope God will hear and answer your prayers for me because I desperately need it! Thank you and God bless!

A Teeny, Tiny Miracle?

Good morning, friends! I hope your day is going well. Mine is, at least so far, and I think God just might've had something to do with it. Come along and see if you agree.

I got up this morning and got ready for work. As I was letting my car warm up I started praying. I've just started a new job, which I'm grateful for, but since I didn't have a full-time job for three months and a part-time job for one, I'm flat broke. I'm literally down to my last two or three dollars. So I was asking God for a financial miracle. In my mind I was thinking something big and dramatic, like hundreds of dollars coming seemingly out of nowhere. Childish I know, but hundreds of dollars are what I desperately need to even begin to catch up on my bills. At the very least, I was hoping far a little something so I could buy some food, gas, and a Christmas present for my great-niece, Madison.

Well, I get to work and discovered that I was supposed to be there at 1pm, not 8am! I didn't get upset though, which was a miracle in itself because I don't deal with change very well. Instead, I was happy for the chance to come home and spend the morning drinking cocoa and blogging. But before I left work, I asked the toddler teacher what she wanted me to do with the babies since I was going to be in her room this afternoon. She showed me her schedule, then I remembered to ask what the pay schedule was because I hadn't had a chance to ask the director. Here's where the miracle comes in: we get paid every week! Every Friday is pay day!

Now that might not seem like a miracle to you, but it sure does to me. This means that I'll be paid today for the two days I worked last week. I'll have money for food and gas now instead of having to wait another week which would mean I'd go hungry. Plus, with pay day being every week I can start to build up some income sooner and have money for Madison's present. I asked for a financial miracle and I think I got one! Now I have to make sure I don't sabotage myself with doubt.

Doubt is a big problem for me because so many times I thought my prayers were answered but they weren't. I can count on one hand the times I know for certain that God answered my prayers. God has been so arbitrary in my life, answering a few relatively minor requests then letting really big needs go unfulfilled. That makes trusting Him very hard. But maybe that's the meaning of faith, believing not just in God but in His goodness even when He doesn't show it. That's a daunting task. You can be a giant of faith, like C. S. Lewis, and still sink into an abyss of despair over God's enigmatic (in) actions. If that can happen to the giants, what's to become of faith midgets like me? I guess we just have to cling to our teeny, tiny miracles. They may be the only ones we get.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


There are many reasons why I have a love/hate relationship with God. Of these, the most potent, and painful, is unanswered prayer. I'm not talking about simply not getting what I asked for from God. I'm talking about being misled to believe that I was getting what I asked for, but wasn't.

I know using the word "misled", in reference to God, will shock and/or offend many people. God wouldn't/couldn't mislead anyone, devout Christians/Jews/Muslims will say. God is Truth; it's simply not in His nature to deceive. Surprisingly, I agree. I believe with all my heart that God is Truth, and that He can't lie. But I can't reconcile that belief with what happened with my father.

My father, my Daddy, died of cancer this past February. He fought the disease for an heroic 11 months before it finally consumed him. It's not Daddy's death that I have a problem with. I know that human beings aren't promised eternal life in our physical bodies. I know that God does sometimes heal people of terminal illnesses, or raise them from the dead, at least in Biblical days; but all those so healed or raised eventually got sick again or died again. Thus, physical healing, even by God, is only a temporary solution to the problems of sickness and death.

My problem is that I prayed fervently for Daddy not to have cancer in the first place, and was led to believe that that prayer was being answered, only to have the devasting truth discovered when it was already too late.

What happened was this. Daddy started inexplicably vomiting and having stomach pain in the summer of 2003. He didn't like to go to the doctor, so he just put up with it. The symptoms got worse. Daddy got to the point were he was afraid to eat because he'd figured out that was what triggered the vomiting and/or stomach pain. Still, he declined to see a doctor. Finally, in October 2003, he couldn't take it any longer. On a Tuesday night, Daddy had my Mom and her brother take him to the emergency room. I came home from work to find the house dark and empty, and immediately feared the worse. During this whole time, I suspected cancer because the symptoms were so severe, but was praying that I was wrong. When I got to the hospital, I thought my prayers had been answered. Daddy was diagnosed with diverticulitis, a colon disease that makes it painful to eat cartain foods. He had all the symptoms. He was given a prescription and allowed to go home.

I left the hospital praising God. Diverticulitis! No Cancer! God had heard me! I didn't know how wrong I was.

Despite the medicine, Daddy kept getting worse. In fact, he stopped taking the medicine after a while because it made his stomach hurt just like food did. I kept praying. Daddy got a different medication to control the nausea, but it didn't work either. He got thinner and thinner. He either couldn't hold his food down, or he just wouldn't eat to begin with. He went back to the hospital and had I don't know how many different kinds of x-rays. Finally, one showed a tumor in his colon and the doctor said that's what was causing the problems. I got down on my knees and prayed like Daddy's life depended on it. I begged God to let the tumor be benign, and it was! Again, I thought my prayers were answered. Again, I was dead wrong.

Daddy got worse and worse. He got so thin, he looked like an Auschwitz survivor. Thursday, February 19, was it. I'd had it. I told Daddy he was going to the hospital. Mom called the
family, and we took him. About a week later, doctors found a blockage in Daddy's colon that all those other x-rays had somehow missed. It was removed, and proved cancerous. In fact, Daddy had cancer scattered, like grains of rice, all over his abdomen. I was devastated. For months, Daddy had been getting no cancer diagnoses from doctors, diagnoses I'd taken to be answers to my prayers. I'd praised God for answers He'd never given! But He let me think He'd had. I don't know about you, but "deceit" is the only word I know to describe what happened.

If God had said no from the beginning, it would've been different. Yes, I would've been hurt but, as I said above, I understand that people don't have immortality in our physical bodies. Eventually, I would've accepted God's no as Him allowing the inevitable to occur. But why the deception? That's what I don't understand. Why did God allow things to happen that He knew I'd take as answers to my prayers, only to have the truth crush me later? And it's not just my feelings that were damaged. Daddy lost valuable time to those false diagnoses. He could've had six more months of chemotherapy if the cancer had been found in October of 2003. God allowing me to think that He was answering my prayers may have cost my Daddy his life.

I know that's hard for devout folks to hear. But I suspect that even among the most devout believers are people who're struggling with bitter experiences like mine. They are struggling to reconcile what the Bible says about God with reality. And, frankly, the two don't fit. I think that's the unspoken dread in most religious people; that the irreconcilible differences between God and reality will explode in their faces in ways that can't be papered over with neat platitudes. There're certainly no platitudes that can explain what happened with my Daddy. God allowed things to happen that made me think He was answering my prayers when He wasn't. If a fellow human being treated me like that, I'd call him a con man. Why should I feel any different about God? Tell me. I really want to know.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Welcome to God and Me!

Hello friends! Welcome to "God and Me". To those of you who know me from my first blog, PoorGrrl Zone (PGZ), glad you decided to stop by! For you newbies, hope you like what I have to offer.

"God and Me" is going to be the place where I'll try to sort out my somewhat confused relationship with God and religion. As friends of PGZ know, I'm an unchurched believer. That is, I believe in God but don't attend church or identify myself formally with any organized religion. But if I have to call myself anything, it would be a strong Christian sympathizer. I am, as I like to say, unchurched but not anti-church.

I believe the Bible is the word of God. I believe in the doctrines of orthodox Christianity; but I'm not totally comfortable with all of the implications, as I see them, of those doctrines. Hence, "God and Me". With this blog, I'll explore my confusions, dissatisfactions, and disappointments with faith, especially Christianity. Maybe, if I'm lucky, people who're much more mature than I am in (the) faith will read my blog and provide me with some answers or, at least, a new way of looking at things. So, once again, welcome to "God and Me". Hope you enjoy the journey.